Wednesday, March 30, 2011

To Mom, with love.

It wasn't until I had Izzy that I finally understood all the things my Mother tried to tell me over the years. The whole phrase "You'll understand one day when you have kids..." is so very true. So before I begin I want to say to my Mom, first thank you, and second, I'm sorry that sometimes I was difficult. We all look back wishing we only knew then what we know now. And as parents (like my Mom did) we want to be able to use our life experiences to try and teach our children what works and what doesn't. I understand now that she was only trying to make life easier on me, when at times, I just thought she was trying to run it. In some aspects, I probably should have let her :)

I see Izzy getting so big so fast, and I'm terrified. I look at my life and I see alot of good, but there has definitely been some bad choices. How in the world am I going to be able to let my little girl go out and make decisions on her own? Why can't I hold her hand all through life? Hopefully I will raise her to be strong, intelligent, kind, humorous, and most of all I hope she has the gumption to take on life. Everyone always wants what's best for their children, or atleast they should, but what happens when our best might not be what they think is? One day Izzy might make a choice that will break my heart... but that's part of it. Because while she is half me, and she did grow from me, she is her own person. Why wouldn't I want that? Years down the road when this time in our lives hits, it will be a whole lot harder for me to remember those last words. But I hope I can.

One thing my Mom always taught me was to be myself. And I have been a very independent person, I thank her for that. But I know now how hard that was for her, and how strong of a mother and woman she is for letting me make my own choices and live my life. I only hope that she knows that I love her dearly for letting me spread my wings and make something of my life in my own way. To alot of people my life may not add up to much... but it's more than I could have ever ask for. Sure sometimes there are rough spots and bumps, but another thing she also taught me was that she is always there. And I pray to God each night that Izzy will feel the same safe love that my Mother gave to me. There have been times when it felt like the whole world was out to get me, my beliefs, my wants, but I knew I could turn to Mom. And yes, we have had rough spots. But it has only glued us stronger.

When Isabella smiles at me, and her eyes get that shiny look of happiness and recognition I pray that it's because I'm creating that bond with her. Nothing matters more to me in the world then giving my child, hopefully one day children, the best. And I want them to feel so much love around them that their hearts are full each night when they say their prayers. I may never be anything more then what I am now. But I hope that one day when Izzy thinks about me, she sees what I have always seen in my Mother. A wonderful Mom.

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