Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Remembering who we are, and accepting who we will become.

Just a couple nights ago, I handed Izzy to Jon (my husband) and said "I'm taking a bath"

This is my escape and always has been. Whenever I have a rough day, need to just forget for a little while, or want to read a good book, I take a bath. In that hot water surrounded by bubbles, I do my best thinking. And a couple days ago, I was soaking in the tub, feeling sorry for myself. Isn't that the worst?

You momentarily forget about all that God has been so kind to bless you with, and you wallow in your own self pity. How disgusting.

I became sad at the thought that I will never be my old self. In having a baby you choose to give up alot of freedoms. And for some reason, that night, I felt a big knot in the pit of my stomach when I contemplated these things. I was having a hard time letting my old self go. I'm not that girl anymore. She's still a part of me... but I'm a Mom now. I'm (what I consider) one of the strongest individuals on this planet.

And I have my baby girl.

I cried at how selfish I was being, how self-consumed I had allowed myself to be in that moment. Out in the world there are women who cannot have babies, or are only allowed by the government to have a chosen number, and here I am with a beautiful, intelligent, precious baby girl feeling sorry for myself because I don't feel "young" anymore. I felt ashamed. But don't we all have low moments?

I crawled back up out of the whole I had dug for myself, and prayed to God to forgive me. Why is it that we always focus on the negative, and forget to remember who we are in the Lord? And who He can help us to become if we would only let go, and let Him do His work?

So I finished my bath, put on my pj's, and gave my little IzzyBit a huge smile and kiss. Never had I felt better about me, and the woman I was on the path to becoming. I know God has plans for me. They may not be what everyone else considers "normal". But if it's good enough for God, then it's most certainly good enough for me :)

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